I am so tired of fighting. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round that never stops and has no way off. All Matt and I do is argue. He feels like I am just a bossy butt and I feel like I can't respect him. (This is of course using nice terms). Our marriage is like many others I assume. The man feels like his responsibilities begin and end with a job and wives want more. He feels like no matter how hard he "tries" I am not happy and I feel like I am done waiting for him to stop trying and just do. Matt is a wonderful man, probably the best I have ever known...Does he love me? ABSOLUTELY, Does he try to be better? ABSOLUTELY, Do we both have follow through issues? ABSOLUTELY! He gave up playing wow only to replace it again with other video games. Nothing changed. We recommitted to the gospel only to be bored with that a week later. Our priorities are the same. Family prayer, family scriptures, temple attendance, church attendance, all the same. Those things are only important if they don't "interfere" with other fun things. We both just suck!
Above all I am angry. Angry that I don't know how to love him. Angry that I don't know how to be understanding and supportive. Angry that I have no knowledge of "functional relationships". Angry that I don't know how to change myself or how to help him change. Angry that I feel so alone in my marriage. Angry that for the first time in 5 years of marriage I can't respect my husband or myself.
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3 comments:
Wow! There is nothing like honesty to get one worried for a friend. Is it possible that you are both expecting too much of each other and yourselves? All those things that you talked about do take a lot of commitment and strength to keep going but we aren't going to be perfect at anything in this life. The woman I know has much more inner strength than she has ever given herself credit for. I know you can do this - I know how much you love him and was there the day you said yes to eternity - I know you can learn to love the way you need to and he can love you as you need to be. Have you talked with a counselor - I am sure you have thought of that. I sure do love you, Kathie
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Winnie the Pooh
Hey baby, just remember everything we say and do everyday is a part of who we are. You and Matt can make it, he adores you and you need to learn to see yourself through his eyes and stop expecting yourself to be perfect, he doesnt. You dont expect him to be perfect and with time you will see you dont love him "in spite" of his faults, you love him faults and all. If you really want to learn the secret to living a happy life, spend the next 18+ years reading a lot of Winnie the Pooh. :) when that fails just call "the dar" xoxo
"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Winnie the Pooh
love you sissy xoxo
ahhh...sucka. I don't think what you desire is far fetched or unreasonable. We are a work in progress and so much is indeed a STRUGGLE...real struggle to achieve what we want in this life, in our relationships with others, and part of that struggle is not "getting there" but learning to love ourselves and others where we are also. Enjoy the view from here more...enjoy the matt and malissa from here, knowing Heavenly Father is not done with either of you, but who loves you each very much...as well as the snail in the onsie. I sure love ya, too--but you know that ;-)
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